Tips on How to Talk with Your Sex Partners

Talking to your partners about safer sex is never easy. Not everyone is comfortable bringing up the subject. Here are some tips on how to communicate your need to be safe:

Tip #1) JUST DO IT!!! No, we’re not talking about the Nike secret code of safer fuckers. What we’re talking about is rather than talking about using a condom, set a good example and just pull one out. Put the condom on your partner as you start foreplay and then go down on him. Offer him another condom before he goes down on you.

Tip #2) LAY’N IT ALL OUT As you’re getting ready to do the horizontal hula, take out a big handful of condoms (remember, variety is the spice of life) and scatter them all over the bed, both as a reminder AND so they are handy and convenient.

Tip #3) Assume the Opposite
“I assume everyone is positive” was the mantra back in the day. Unfortunately many of us are still living our sex lives by that same old tired saying. The world has blessed many of those living with HIV a much longer and quite possibly more challenging life. There are a lot of HIV- and HIV+ guys who are rationalizing unsafe sex nowadays by making some pretty risky assumptions. If we don’t know someone’s HIV status, and we think that bringing that conversation up will kill the mood, then we need to assume they are of the opposite status, no matter what they may be doing, or how “healthy” they may look.

Tip #4) Talking Is Easy (Sometimes)
So the bathhouse isn’t the lace to hold a community forum on the pros and cons of boxers vs. briefs. Quite frankly, most of the clubs are set up in a way to discourage too much conversation. Most hook-ups here consist of either a grope or a nod of the head and whammo-blammo, next thing ya know it’s “lust connection”. To get the most bang for the buck while keeping your cock and ass as happy and as healthy as possible, take a few seconds between the grope or the head nod and talk about what you are both looking for. Some people just want to give or get a blow job; others are “total tops” or “total bottoms”. Some may be HIV+, while others may have herpes. Taking a moment to discuss the vitals may seem like it would kill the moment; however, once the action gets going again there’s nothing hotter than having peace of mind along with that piece of ass.

Tip #5) Divulging your HIV status (for Poz guys)

1. It's important to let your partner know up front about your status, if you're in the middle of heavy petting and stop to say, "Oh, and by the way...", it's not fair to your partner.
2. If you can't be up front about it you are only putting others at risk, and that is worse than being rejected based on your status.
3. If privacy is your main concern then a bathhouse or bar is probably the wrong place, but there are private rooms/areas where you can discuss these heavy issues.
4. If your partner can't handle HIV in this day and age, it probably wasn't worth wasting your time anyways.

Tip #6) Receiving the info (for Neg guys)

1. Acknowledge the fact that they're considering your health by telling you their status, and this is a good time to disclose your status as well.
2. Respect him by keeping this information to yourself and trust that since he told you he will tell future partners about it too.
3. If you are uncomfortable, be honest, your awkwardness will be obvious anyway. Besides, honesty can lead to more interesting and creative sex and everybody knows that uptight sex is no fun.
4. HIV issues are rough, but hot protected sex can be too!
5. And remember... drugs & alcohol don't always lead to the best decision making. If you know you're gonna drink or do drugs before going to the bar or bathhouse, or hooking up on-line, make a plan ahead of time on how you can be safe even when you're drunk or high.

Tip #7) Sexual discrimination and HIV
Positive guys face a lot of stigma in the dating world. A few years ago, an Australian survey showed these results:

• 80% of (HIV-negative) gay men felt that positive gay men should disclose their HIV-status in sexual situations.
• Yet, if disclosure did occur, then 70% of these men would reject these potential partners.

That's quite a mixed message. Tell me if you are positive, but don't expect me to fuck around with you if you are. There is a shared responsibility here. If negative guys expect positive guys to reveal their status, they should be prepared to hear that information and respond in a manner that is respectful, sensitive and responsible. Giving someone a hostile rejection will not encourage them to reveal their status in the future. Are you prepared for a positive response?

Tip #8) Disclosure
Okay, so we all know that STDs are nasty, and that it feels even nastier when you get one. You can feel cheap, trashy and worst of all... diseased. Sure, it’s easy to get most of them cleared up, but there’s still that window period, while you’re waiting for the penicillin to kick in, and the sores to go away, where you can get pretty down on yourself. And then you start thinking about who it was that gave it to you. Was it that guy that you hooked up with on-line last week? At the bar? At the baths? Your fuck buddy? Your new boyfriend? Your ex-boyfriend? Whoever it was, you’re usually thinking one thing: that bastard! He should have told me!

But how about you? Do you wanna tell anybody? You’d totally get rejected, right? Besides, maybe he doesn’t even know he has syphilis. You can’t always tell. He can’t always tell. But you can tell. Tell him you have syphilis. Herpes flaring up? Let’em know. You don’t like it when they don’t tell you, do ya? Tell him about the sores, the crabs, the green discharge. You’d want to know, wouldn’t you?

Tip #9) Give a fuck
Anonymous sex or casual hook-ups can be awkward enough without throwing conversation into it. It's more of a physically social place, not so much with the talking. But sharing a little bit of information before you get to all the fucking and sucking can make sure that everybody has a good time. How many times have you fucked around with somebody you just met and then worried about it afterwards? We've all been there. You can just throw something out there before things go too far, like "Hey, just so you know, last time I got tested everything came back negative, but I still like to stay safe." And maybe he'll say, "Yeah, I got tested 3 weeks ago and everything's good on my end, too." Or "I should tell you that I'm HIV positive" and he'll say "Well, I'm not, so let's use condoms or just not fuck." It's really, really hard to have to disclose personal stuff, especially if you think it might ruin your chances to score, but when you do it lets your partner know that even though you just met you still care about his health and safety, and that you also care about yourself. Everyone's on the same page and it can actually make things less awkward afterwards.

BACK